My best friend died a year ago today. It was 12:24am.
 | We were on a family vacation in Charleston SC having a great time. Jeff had been ill the week prior but insisted on traveling to honor my aunt Mary who had passed several years earlier but the family was gathering to memorialize her. He really wanted to be there for my cousin, his friend, Chris. Jeff was always thoughtful that way. |
In retrospect, I believe he knew he would pass that weekend and wanted to do it while we were traveling. I think it was his intention to not die at the hospital where I worked. He realized that would have been too great a burden for me to bear – to enter that space day in and day out, reminded of his last hours on earth. Jeff was always thoughtful that way.
| He also had a master plan to get my daughter and I together, with him, alone, for one last hurrah. Ashley and I were still dealing with some mother/daughter tensions, some unfinished and unspoken business. But when he was with us, all of that was forgotten. We just loved being together – all 3 of us. Our little family. He wanted to make sure Ash and I mended. Jeff was always thoughtful that way. |  |
My grief comes in waves as I consider how thoughtful, and caring, and loving he was. Wishing I could have given him as much in his final hours. He struggled in pain the last weeks of his life but was still so concerned about me and Ash that he fought with all his might to stay present. I wish I had been thoughtful enough to just tell him to rest. That it was ok. That he could transition and no longer be in pain. But I was not that thoughtful.
Then I realized he has not left me completely. I feel his spirit and it moves me. He sends me funny JibJabs® on the holidays, some of which I have shared with friends and family.
And without fail, when I get down, or castigate myself for not doing more for him, he sends me a butterfly – a reminder of how beautiful and freeing transitions can be, and it makes me smile. Jeff was always thoughtful that way.
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